There is a quiet bargain I think many of us make with healing, especially if we have spent years becoming more conscious.

It starts with learning about attachment, nervous systems, shadow, triggers, boundaries, inner parts, conditioning, all of it.

We notice our projections, we catch ourselves blaming and then we begin to see our patterns..

And somewhere along the way, an assumption can creep in: If I can just see the pattern, I should be able to change it.

OR...more deeply... If I just change myself enough, life will stop bringing me the painful stuff.

And Maybe, just maybe I will finally become conscious enough, regulated enough, aligned enough, healed enough that things simply… work, abundance flows and I will never experience another issue in my life.

I know this because I've caught myself in this trap recently.

I have been moving through a long season of constraint. In fact, I consciously made a choice to put myself in that space so I could grow more, learn more, understand my patterns and behaviours. I chose the discomfort on purpose, but that little experiment has taken a LOT longer than expected. Naively thinking that if I got myself in it...I can get myself out it it, whenever I am ready.

And underneath that, this naïve idea that I can control everything by simply changing myself.

And yes...I have done a lot of internal work in this time. and yes, a lot has changed in me. And yet, many of the external pressures are still there and life remains...tricky.

Then one more thing happened... my car broke down. The alternator died.

And there was something almost comical about it. Of course it did.

Another expense, another constraint, another reduction in freedom.

Another thing I could not immediately fix and my mind immediately wanted to know: What am I missing?

• What pattern have I not seen?
• What lesson am I failing to learn?
• What do I still need to change in myself?
• What generational trauma do I need to heal

As though somewhere there is a spiritual escape room, and if I just solve the final clue, life will stop being difficult.

But that is not actually what the teachings promise.

Life still happens. (BUT how dare it!)

People disappoint us, bodies get sick, money gets tight, relationships hurt.

Our cars break down and plans collapse.

People die, we misunderstand each other, we make mistakes. Sometimes a lot of them.

We get jealous, scared, angry, lonely and lost.

And this is where I think the distinction between bypassing, staying stuck, and integration becomes incredibly important.

Because when something painful happens, we can move in three very different directions and understanding the choices we have puts us back into a state of discernment.

We can bypass it

This is when we jump too quickly to meaning. You know when we say: "Everything happens for a reason".

• There must be a lesson here.
• I need to trust the universe.
• I should be grateful.
• I should focus on abundance.
• This is happening for me, not to me.

Perhaps. But if those ideas arrive before I have admitted: I am angry, or this hurts, or I am scared, or just, I really did not need this today.

Then wisdom can become avoidance and we use "consciousness" to leave ourselves.

We reach for the “higher perspective” because the human perspective feels too uncomfortable.

That is bypassing.

Not because gratitude, spirituality or having perspective is wrong, but because we are using them to skip the part that actually hurts.

Or we worship the emotion

This is the opposite trap. We feel the emotion, but then we build a house inside it.

• I feel trapped, so there is no way out.
• I feel hopeless, so nothing will change.
• I feel abandoned, so nobody is there for me.
• I feel angry, so someone must be wrong.

The feeling is real, but we begin treating it as the whole truth.

We replay it, gather evidence for it, build arguments around it and for it. Returning to the same story again and again and then we call it processing.

But there is a difference between feeling an emotion and feeding an emotion. Read that again.

There is a difference between listening to pain and worshipping it. So yes, the the feeling needs room, but it does not need the whole house.

And then there is the path that is harder to hold: Integration.

The both/and.

This is the path that says:

• This hurts, and I do not need to make it mean my life is doomed.
• I am angry, and I do not have to make somebody the enemy.
• I am frightened, and I do not need to pretend everything is fine.
• I want more, and I can still meet the life that is here.
• I can hate this constraint and still look for possibility inside it.

Integration does not ask us to rise above the feeling, nor does it ask us to surrender to it.

It asks us to stay in relationship with it.

To say:

1. What are you showing me?
2. What matters here?
3. What do I need?
4. What is mine to take responsibility for?
5. What is not mine?

And then: What do I choose now?

That is the both/and.

Not: This happened because I am unhealed.

Not: This happened and therefore everything is terrible.

But: This happened. I have feelings about it. Those feelings matter. AND they are not the whole story, I still have some choice in how I meet what comes next.

That, to me, is integration.

And I think this is where a lot of spiritual confusion happens. We think the goal is to become so conscious that nothing disturbs us, But maybe the goal was never to become undisturbable. (I like this word)

More and more I believe the work is to become more able to stay with ourselves when we are disturbed.

To feel anger without becoming cruel.

To feel fear without becoming paralysed.

To feel jealousy without turning it into accusation.

To feel grief without pretending it is gratitude.

To experience limitation without deciding that possibility is dead. (Definitely still learning this one)

The car can still break down, the relationship can still wobble, and the money can still be tight.

Life can still be wildly inconvenient.

Bypassing skips the feeling.

Staying stuck worships the feeling.

Integration holds the feeling and the wider truth at the same time.

It is not either/or. It is not pretending, its not surrender. It is saying

This is hard, and I am still here.

This hurts, and I can still choose.

I do not like where I am, and I do not have to make this moment the ending.

Live in the both/and.

Yours in your unravelling

CJ

PS - I wrote a poem about Both.And. You can watch me read it out loud below.

This moment of in-between is an invitation to be everything and nothing all at once. It’s a celebration of curiosity, self-exploration, and the courage to try on different versions of yourself without the pressure to commit.

A poem for those who value the journey of becoming over the need to define. My hope is that these words will resonate deeply, allowing you to see your own fears, pain, and growth within the poetry’s intimate spaces.

Also...some naughty words in there, so earphones on please.